😠 To Belittle is to Be Little: The Core Insecurity of the Bully

 Having studied bullying for decades, my background in psychology has given me a deep look into the aggressor's mindset. The simple truth is this: when a person puts someone else down, they are almost always trying to elevate themselves. Bullying is definitely a harmful, desperate attempt to feel powerful, manage deep insecurity, and dominate a person or a social group.

As my father used to call it, it's a form of "dirty pool"—a tactic where attacking a rival makes the aggressor feel momentarily taller, stronger, and in control. Here’s a breakdown of the psychological and social forces that drive this awful behavior.

Psychological Motivations for Bullying

The root of most aggression lives within the bully's internal psychological state:

* Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem: I believe this is the most common fuel for bullies. Criticizing or humiliating others because they think it elevates their own social status and provides a sense of superiority and control that they otherwise lack. Bullies are motivated and driven to pass on put-downs to elevate themselves. 

* The Need for Power and Control: 

Bullying is fundamentally about establishing dominance. People who feel powerless or out of control in other aspects of their lives (often at home or school) seek to regain that sense of control by exerting power over a perceived weaker target/victim. They put others down to remind themselves and their target, who is "in charge."

* Emotional Bolstering (Projection): 

Some individuals lack healthy coping skills for managing difficult emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness. They project these negative feelings onto others through aggression, using the victim as the object of their highly emotional release.

* Modeling and Learned Behavior: 

Bullying is often learned behavior. Studies show that people model these harmful behaviors from their environment—whether from loud or aggressive parents, observing sibling or friend high-octane arguments, or constant exposure to violence in media. They put others down because they have seen it be an effective (and harmful) technique to browbeat targets and get what they want.

Social and Environmental Factors

The environment often reinforces and rewards the bully’s behavior:

* Social Status and Acceptance: In certain peer groups, putting others down (especially those who look, sound, or act differently or are unpopular) can be seen as a way to gain popularity or maintain social standing. The aggressor wants to be viewed as "tough" or "cool" by their friends.

* Conformity and Group Dynamics: Bullying often becomes a group activity. Individuals may join in or escalate the put-downs to fit in with a dominant clique or to avoid becoming the next target. This fear of social exclusion fuels the mob mentality.

* Lack of Empathy: A person's inability to understand, share, or express feelings is a key factor. This challenge allows the aggressor to inflict pain and cause emotional harm without feeling guilt or remorse.

What Parents and Adults Can Do

If your child is showing aggressive behavior or is a target, focused intervention and support are critical:

If Your Child is the Aggressor/Bully:

* Highlight and Demonstrate Empathy: Parents and influential adults must model empathy in their own lives. Help your child experience what it is like to “walk in their victim's shoes.” Teaching them how to apologize sincerely is a foundational step in minimizing the harm they cause.

If Your Child is the Target:

* Provide Immediate Support: Let your child know that the bullying is not their fault. Check in regularly and offer unwavering support. Acknowledge that anger is a natural feeling, but violence is not the answer. (As a helpful mnemonic, I've often recommended to children that placing the letter "D" in front of the word "anger" - spells D-A-N-G-E-R).

> Note: We know from tragic events like Columbine that years of emotional abuse can lead some targets to extreme violence. Early intervention is paramount.

* Teach Assertiveness: Bullies often seek out quiet, passive targets. Praise your child's assertive actions and efforts. We must help them build their confidence through practice and competence. In the future, I will provide you with tips on how to help your child build courage and confidence. Assertiveness is a powerful deterrent. Bullies are looking for people who look vulnerable. 

In essence, while the bully's actions are focused externally—putting others down, instilling fear, or committing violence—the primary “juice” they seek is an internal feeling of superiority, control, and acceptance.

You likely know people like this. I certainly do, and I've been a target myself. Let's work together to achieve two goals: to teach empathy and to develop the assertiveness necessary to prevent this emotionally damaging and dangerous behavior.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is an anti-bully activist and martial arts Grandmaster

Beware of Bullying Hotspots

 

With school back in session for a month now, we must again address new or repeated instances of bullying going on. When teaching self-defense against bullies, I always start with the A-B-C’s. “A” stands for awareness and being vigilant in areas where bullying is likely to occur. 

Bullying at school often occurs in specific locations, known as "hot spots," where there is less adult supervision. These areas can vary by school, but common hot spots include:

* Hallways and Stairwells: These are high-traffic, transitional areas where supervision is often limited, making them prime locations for bullying.

* Bathrooms and Locker Rooms: Due to a lack of adult presence, bullies frequently use these spaces as target-rich opportunity areas where bad situations can happen out of the view of teachers.

* Playgrounds and Athletic Fields: While often supervised, these areas can be large, allowing for incidents to occur out of a teacher's line of sight. What seems like casual interaction, or “play,” can become a problem area.

* Lunchrooms/Cafeterias: The noise and large crowds can make it difficult for staff to notice and intervene in bullying incidents. It becomes much harder to identify in the middle of a large group of children interacting.

* Classrooms (when the teacher is distracted): Bullying can also happen during moments of transition or when the teacher has left the room.

These physical locations are often where direct, in-person bullying, such as bodily harm, name-calling, or social exclusion, takes place.

Here is my recommendation. Using a buddy system can be a critical fix in many bullying situations. Bullies often look for kids who are isolated or alone. With a (confident) buddy, your child is less likely to be picked on, and both buddies can stand up for each other. If your child has the opportunity to use a friend to stand up for them actively, this will reduce the incidents of bullying. Now this is the time to address the “B and C” of self-defense. First, take a deep (B) breath and (C) communicate with confidence. I suggest role-playing assertive responses, such as “back away”. This method is a simple, confident, and rehearsed script, accompanied by a confident stance and eye contact. To excel at this, you and your child will need plenty of practice. Repetition creates success.

Cyberbullying (the silent method of bullying)

Cyberbullying is a form of bullying that occurs through digital devices, such as cell phones, computers, and tablets. It can happen on social media platforms, through text messages, or in online gaming environments. Many schools are banning cellphone use or planning to ban use. Several studies I have read see this as a win-win opportunity for teachers and students. Don't worry, in these cases, phones may be brought to school and just “parked” in the classroom. 

Cyberbullying is particularly harmful because it can be:

* Persistent: Digital devices provide a constant channel for communication, making it difficult for a victim to find relief.

* Permanent: Most information shared online can be permanent and public, making it hard to erase and potentially impacting a person's reputation in the long term.

* Anonymous: The anonymity of the internet can embolden bullies and make it difficult for victims to identify their tormentors. 

* 24-7. Kids used to be able to go home and escape their bullies. Due to the digital world we live in, it's challenging to avoid being constantly bombarded with this style of harassment.

Statistics and Prevention

Cyberbullying rates have increased significantly, particularly since the rise of social media and increased time spent online. Studies show that a substantial percentage of students have experienced cyberbullying, with girls often being more likely than boys to be victims.

Some common types of cyberbullying include:

* Mean or hurtful comments: Posting negative remarks about someone online.

* Spreading rumors: Sharing false or embarrassing information.

* Exclusion: Intentionally leaving someone out of a group chat or online activity.

* Sharing private information/Outing: Leaking personal photos or information without consent. Telling about a person’s private sexual orientation and “outing” a person.

Prevention strategies for cyberbullying focus on a combination of awareness, education, and intervention:

* Educate kids: Teach them about responsible online behavior, the permanence of digital content, and the importance of thinking before they post.

* Encourage reporting: Let kids know they should tell a trusted adult, like a parent or teacher, if they are being cyberbullied or see someone being bullied. Let's teach kids that it's right to report bullying, as it's a violation of school policy and is not considered tattling.

* Block and report: Advise victims to block the bully's account and report the incident to the platform or app administrators. Tell your teachers and principal. Even though this may occur outside of school, the administration may have a school policy in place to address this issue. 

* Open communication: Maintain open conversations with children about their online activities and friendships to build trust and ensure they feel comfortable coming to you if a problem arises.

Bullying is going on in schools every day. It is wrong and not a rite of passage. Let's arm our kids with knowledge.

Mike Bogdanski is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.

The 4 Rules of Concentration

 

Parents and students often wonder what the secret to academic success is. If you want to give your child a tactical advantage in school, provide them with a strategy, a game plan, and tips for becoming a champion (in school). My suggestion for creating a gold medal experience is to teach your children the four rules of concentration.

1. Focus your eyes: Directly look at the person teaching or the material you are studying to reduce distractions.
2. Focus your ears: Engage in active listening, paying attention to the instructor and the information being shared.
3. Focus your body: Maintain a good posture, signaling to your body and mind that you are prepared to receive information. 
4. Focus your mind: Clear your thoughts of distractions and keep your mind engaged on the task at hand, rather than letting it wander.

Welcome back, students! As you settle into your new routines, remember that a new school year is a chance to learn incredible things. To do that, you'll need one of your most powerful tools: your ability to concentrate.

Getting distracted is easy—a buzzing phone, a friend whispering, or just a wandering mind. But with a little practice, you can train yourself to stay focused. Here are four simple rules to help you master the art of concentration.

Rule 1: Focus Your Eyes

Your eyes are like a magnet for information. If they're darting around the room, they'll pick up on everything but what you need to learn. Whether you're in the classroom, the library, or your bedroom, direct your gaze to the task at hand. 

* In class: Look at the teacher when they are speaking. When you're working, look at the page in your book or the screen in front of you.

* At home: Keep your workspace free of distractions. Put away toys, games, and anything else that might catch your eye, especially no TV.

Rule 2: Focus Your Ears

It's distracting to listen to every little sound, but your ears can be trained to tune out the noise. Your brain can decide what to listen to and what to ignore. Always listen with the intent to learn. 

* In class: Listen for keywords and essential instructions from your teacher. Practice "active listening" by thinking about what they're saying instead of just hearing the words.

* At home: If your house is noisy, try using noise-canceling headphones. Ambient noise from the rest of the house may be very distracting and may even motivate you to leave your room to interact with brothers and sisters at play. 

3. Focus Your Body

A fidgety body makes for a fidgety mind. When constantly shifting or wiggling, it's hard for your brain to stay on track. Learning to keep your body calm and still helps your mind settle down, too.

* Find a comfortable, sturdy chair that allows you to sit straight up. Don't study a book at home while lying down. The only time you should lie down is if you want to take a nap.

* Before you start a task, take a few deep breaths. This simple action can help you relax, and extra oxygen fuels your body and mind for focus.

* If you feel antsy, try a quick stretch or take a short walk to reset before returning to your work. Getting up every twenty minutes at home gives you a small recharge (like plugging in your phone). Your body needs movement to offset extended sitting. If you need to take a longer break, drink some water and focus on something completely different. I call this rinsing out the sponge.

4. Focus Your Mind

Now, the most important rule of all is training your mind to have laser focus. Sometimes your mind is like a wild pony—it wants to run off in a million different directions. The other three rules are tools to help you bring it back. When your mind wanders, gently guide it back to what you must do.

* If you find yourself daydreaming, say to yourself, "Okay, back to work." It’s also alright to get up and move. A person's mind and body don't work independently; movement resets both. 

* Break your big tasks into smaller, manageable chunks. This makes hard work seem less overwhelming and more straightforward when mastering new material. 

* Reward yourself! After you've focused for a set amount of time, take a short break to do something you enjoy. I recommend staying away from your phone. Reading a message or a social media post may create anxiety and steal your focus.

When I taught students how to spar against a bigger and stronger opponent, they had better not think about what they would wear to school the next day. One second of lost focus could be painful when a strong punch found its way into their stomachs. When you are in the zone, you are in the zone.

Practicing these four rules will improve grades and build a skill that will help in every part of life. Good luck and have a great school year!

Perfect Planning

The five P’s!

Perfect planning prevents poor performance.

Yes, we see summer ebbing in a blink, and parents are now in back-to-school mode. Local stores are pushing school clothes and supplies to help you prepare your kids for the shift from summer to fall. Here, I will present a few tips to help you “pre-frame” this transition from summer fun to a back-to-school focus.

Number one: Gradually shift kids to a fall sleep schedule. New bedtime and wake-up times are needed to adjust kids' bodies to the earlier day. Fatigued kids will be tired and cranky when it comes time to get ready for school, and exhausted kids don't learn well.

Number two: create a school mindset.

Tuning your kids into the school year starting will help them in the fall. Lay the groundwork for a positive year. Teach your kids that it will be another year of fun learning, seeing their friends, and meeting new kids, which will make for some great experiences.

Number three: prepping. 

Getting kids to rehearse is a great idea. One of our granddaughters loves to play “teacher.” At age seven, she has learned how to coach her students (Grampy and Mimi) to better performance, positively impact her 'kids' (her dolls), and deal with a sometimes unruly student(Grampy). It's a fun game as she teaches us how to pack our backpacks, keep our hands to ourselves, and learn our school work. Did I mention she is a very demanding teacher!

Number four: Set goals

I am a firm believer in the concept that " the goals you set are the goals you get.” As a parent, you can tell your kids to have a great school year, study hard, and do well, or you could further detail what that means. If you set a goal to achieve, like having a child on the honor roll, you could highlight how excellent grades affect their future. Kids with great grades have more opportunities, better job choices, and career opportunities, and they build strong self-esteem through their accomplishments. 

Setting goals to get A’s and B’s in school is a reasonable expectation. When a grade is not an A or B, students should review what they got wrong and determine why they did not perform better. 

I believe it is important to fan the flame of “excellence” in school. My first suggestion here is praise. When we are with our grandkids, I always give them positive feedback when they are working on an activity: “You are so strong,” “You are so brave,” or “Great try.” You might not be able to praise the outcome, but you can surely praise the effort. Kids can learn that perseverance and effort can lead to success. 

Everyone can learn to embrace mistakes as learning opportunities. Ask them, "What did you learn from your mistake?" One martial arts champion I know would always return to the locker room after a match to perfect his performance, even after winning! 

If a child is struggling, I recommend getting extra help from a teacher. As a college freshman, I worked full-time and did not study enough. I had a very dry and uninteresting course on Western civilizations and was emotionally devastated when I got an F on my midterm. I learned my lesson, got additional help from the teacher, and got an A on the final. Teachers always want to help students who show a desire to learn.

Number five: Talk about your feelings

Yes, kids get anxiety, too. My family moved to a new town as I was preparing to enter middle school. I had great anxiety with not knowing any of the kids in a new school, and the silly fear of the school year that I manufactured in my head. I had bad dreams and sleepless nights in anticipation of my new journey. It took a little time to fit in, but in time, I had a great experience and made many new friends.

Number six: Think positively with key steps

As a kid, my Mother was famous for saying, “Think Positive.” I loved the saying so much that I even had shirts embossed with it when I owned my gym in town. The problem is that it took me a long time to craft the steps I needed to follow this motto. I suggest these steps to teach children to overcome anxiety.

1. Reframe the idea that scary things are challenges, not problems.

2. Use positive Language and Vocabulary

Teaching children to swap negative words for positive or neutral ones is called transformational reframing. For example, instead of saying, “I can’t,” encourage, “I’ll try,” or “I’m learning.” This simple shift in language helps build a more optimistic mindset.

3. Break a problem into bite-sized solutions. If I told you becoming a black belt was a gigantic task, you may be overwhelmed with the prospect. But, if I broke it down to small hour-by-hour and week-by-week pieces, you could manage the journey without problem. 

My last tip is here- How do you eat an elephant? Simple, one bite at a time.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and Anti-bully activist

Summer self defense (for kids)

 

Finally, we are seeing our anticipated summer weather. The prolonged spring of cooler weather and rainy days seems over. The current Amazon jungle heat wave has pounced on us like a panther on its prey, so we need to be careful, but it’s not just the heat that I want to warn families about.

As a lifelong martial artist, I have always been concerned about self-defense in many facets of daily life. I am not talking about ninjas attacking, but about valuable life skills kids need to be safe for everyday living this summer.

As a martial arts Grandmaster, I consider that everything in life can have a self-defense component. Here are a few examples of how to keep our kids safe.

Sunscreen = self-defense against sunburn.

Brushing your teeth = self-defense against cavities.

Making your bed = self-defense against getting yelled at by Mom!

I will start with the sun. 

As a teen, I visited a fantastic island resort with my family. We spent all day playing in the pool, and of course, back in those days, we did not use sunscreen. I suffered a severe sunburn that kept me in bed for the night. The next day, I had to cover myself in the pool. This was before modern swim shirts, so I had to wear my long-sleeve sweatshirt (which weighed ten pounds in the water!).

Put water in the kids, not kids in the water.

Kids' metabolisms run hotter than adults', producing more heat. Their water depletion can be dangerous because their sweat mechanism is less developed than that of adults, making it harder for them to cool down effectively and risking overheating. Kids who play hard in the summer may forget to drink, so please keep them hydrated. Recently, on one of our hot days, I became tired and had a rare headache, so I had to lie down in the AC, becoming a victim of dehydration, too. 

Self-defense against brain decay.

The brain is like a muscle that needs regular exercise. Summer slide is not a term for kids playing by the swing set. School-age kids receive summer take-home work for a specific reason. Research consistently shows that children can lose two months of reading skills if they don’t participate in summer learning activities. This accumulated loss can put kids significantly behind their peers by the time they reach middle school. Summer exposure to books expands a child’s vocabulary, improves comprehension, and strengthens critical thinking. My wife and I have a technique where one of our seven-year-old grandchildren receives tablet time equal to reading time. Ten minutes of reading gets her ten minutes of tablet time. Seems like a great trade to us. With lots of mental stimulation, kids brains will become super tuned up for September. Developing a love for reading can bring tons of achievement and pleasure throughout a lifetime. I love our Putnam library, which we visit often for our grandchildren and ourselves. They host many kids' activities and even provide lunch all summer. Feel free to pass on one of my most-used tips for kids: Readers are leaders!

Fireworks are fun (and dangerous )

The most fantastic part of Putnam’s Independence Day celebration is the fireworks. I heartily suggest watching the professionals do the work. Did you know a sparkler burns at 2,000 degrees? I have been at cookouts where five-year-olds played with these as if they were toys, and yes, my adrenaline was spiking off the charts. 

Water self-defense.

Every year, an average of four people will drown in the state of Connecticut. One summer, when I worked as a lake lifeguard, I had to personally pull kids out of the lake twice who couldn’t swim but ventured into deep water. As kids and families frolicked nearby, I had my eye on one of the kids as he began floundering and struggling, and when he realized his feet could not touch the bottom, he immediately began to panic. As I jumped out of my lifeguard chair and ran into the water, I watched him go under. I didn’t even have to swim to him because the water he was in wasn’t that deep. He had no swimming skills and had no adult supervision. This situation could have turned very badly. 

Drowning happens quietly and quickly, so I suggest a watch-watcher. In a crowded swimming situation, one adult should have a designated time where they do nothing but watch the kids, with no phone and no distractions. 

On a more serious note, many years ago, one spring, I lost one of my five-year-old students in a home drowning situation. He was playing with his cousin in the backyard. He decided to climb up on the edge of the above-ground pool, which had a cover on it. He stepped onto the cover and was not secured well. In he went. The cover came down over him, and he could not grab onto the side to save himself. His was the saddest funeral I have ever been to. 

Let’s be careful out there. Please don’t make me send the ninjas.

Mike Bogdanski

Mike is a martial arts Grandmaster and anti-bully activist.